Parish Council Says Sorry for Heatwave

CALVERTON PARISH COUNCIL has said it ‘deeply regrets’ today’s hot temperatures after receiving several complaints from villagers.

‘People complain to us all the time about things that aren’t our responsibility,’ said the Parish Clerk.

‘Sometimes it’s quicker and easier to say sorry even when it’s not our fault. It saves a lot of grief, long term.’

‘I’m appalled by all this heat in the village today,’ said resident Stella Pipette, a Daily Mail reader and horse owner who thinks climate change is made up.

‘I’m sweaty and it feels awful. I know I shouldn’t instantly complain to the Parish Council about everything, but working out who to actually complain to would require spending time I don’t have on research, and developing informed opinions based on data and evidence like a responsible adult.

‘No. I just prefer to moan, thanks.’

Next week, the Parish Council will be apologising for other things it has no power to do anything about including the initial break up of Take That, the dreadful Game of Thrones finale and the first Gulf War.

Tomorrow in the village it is expected to be well into the eighties, although in the rest of the country it will be 2019.