Parish Council Says Sorry for Rainfall

CALVERTON PARISH COUNCIL has said it ‘deeply regrets’ today’s rainfall after receiving several complaints from villagers.

‘People complain to us all the time about things that aren’t our responsibility,’ said the Parish Clerk, in a monologue eerily reminiscent of last week’s heatwave story.

‘Sometimes it’s quicker and easier to say sorry even when it’s not our fault. It saves a lot of grief, long term.’

‘I’m appalled by all this rain in the village today,’ said resident Stella Pipette, a Daily Mail reader and horse owner who thinks climate change is made up.

‘I know I shouldn’t instantly complain to the Parish Council about everything, but … hang on. Did I say all this last week? Did it make me sound fickle and ridiculous? Then I take it back.’

Next week, the Parish Council will be apologising for other things it has no power to do anything about including the UK not winning Eurovision since 1997, Frank Lampard leaving Derby County FC and Mr Bean having never been funny.

‘It was just like the summer of 1976 in the village last week,’ said Stella.

‘All the grass turned to sand and we had to ride around on camels.’