1976 Much Hotter Than 2019, Claim Several Villagers Somewhat Unreliably

WITH TEMPERATURES HITTING thirty-five degrees in the nation today, some villagers have obviously started banging on about the British summer of 1976 being much hotter than this one.

‘You think the summer of 2019 is hot?’ said local man Norris Thetford, wilting in his allotment today in his ninth change of clothes since 9 am.

Stop complaining. You weren’t there in the summer of 1976. It was so hot all the grass turned to sand and we had to ride around on camels. All the bicycles had melted, the petrol in the cars had turned to porridge and several buses had exploded.

‘It was so hot there was no water, only dust to drink. All dogs had to be shaved to prevent heatstroke and whenever they went out to the garden to do their business it immediately turned to brick as it popped out. It was that solid we could build walls with it, as many of us did when existing brick walls turned to powder, from the heat.

‘It was so hot that anyone with fair skin was immediately mummified, even in the shade, and all the cats died because we’d forgotten to shave them like the dogs.

‘It was so hot that 63% of the population wasn’t able to sleep until 1977, forcing them to miss the Queen’s Silver Jubilee, the birth of punk rock and the death of Elvis.

‘It was so hot that many people may have hallucinated the summer of 1976.’

‘I love my grandad,’ said Caitlin Thetford, 13, of Paddock Close, Calverton.

‘But with this summer of 1976 thing he’s finally lost it. I’ve heard of selective hearing in very senior people, but this appears to be selective intelligence, which worries me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s made all of this up and every word is a total lie.

‘Look, he’s collapsed by the runner beans.’