New Dog Ownership Laws to Remove Control from Morons

IN THE INTERESTS of public safety, dogs will soon be required to put leads on their owners when out walking in Calverton.

A new byelaw, coming into force next week, will take responsibility from designated human beings who are too ignorant or thick to know or care that rules apply to them and place it in the paws of a species which is typically more likely to follow instructions. Responsible dog owners will not be subject to the byelaw.

‘He’s meant to keep me on a lead, but he doesn’t, because he’s a moron,’ said Toodles, a bulldog from Main Street.

‘When we’re out round the square and people say: ‘Who’s that nasty, dribbling monster?’ I politely explain it’s Jeff, my owner.

‘Jeff won’t accept he’s an adult who should just grow up and look after me properly, so now I’m the one who has to walk him on a lead. I can’t actually hold a lead because I have no opposable thumbs, but in this version of reality I’ve developed the ability to articulately communicate with you in perfect English – this is something Jeff will never be able to do in any reality – so I’m sure I’ll rise to this additional challenge.

‘Look at him scowling over there. He’s a disgrace. Why put any decision in the hands of a simpleton like that? Bulldog spirit, my buttocks. I’m an actual bulldog, and it sucks here. I’m moving to Belgium first chance I get.’

Cyril, a chihuahua from Beck Avenue, added: ‘The size of me? Tiny. The size of what Daphne’s just left on the pavement? Enormous. That’s going to need a carrier bag.’