Wortstock to Rock Village

AN OUTDOOR ROCK FESTIVAL will take place in the Calverton field controversially cleared of ragwort to raise funds to plant more ragwort in the same field, a leaked Parish Council memo reveals.

The Council, keen to restore goodwill in the village, has already booked the Lightning Seeds and Mike Flowers for the ambitious fundraiser because they have agriculture-themed names. The Grumbleweeds may also be appearing, but can be dealt with reasonably quickly with biograde glyphosate.

‘We understand the strength of feeling about the ragwort,’ said a parish spokesperson.

‘We’ve considered ways to make amends, such as a) paying for new ragwort to be planted from existing parish funds without the need for a lovely big rock festival, b) a lovely big rock festival and c) not ripping up the original ragwort in the first place.

‘Unfortunately the feasibility studies we’ve commissioned have already used up the available funds for a), and c) seems to require travelling back in time, for which we have no official budget, even though the whole country itself is about to go back to the 1970s at the end of October.

‘So b) – a lovely big rock festival – it is. Yay.

‘We’re calling it Wortstock. We originally thought Wortaid, but this sounds like something you’d get from the pharmacist in tubes and we didn’t want to overstretch Boots in the square any further.’

Wortstock will be staged in 2020, by which time the ragwort may well have grown back by itself, having become perennial rather than biennial due to the timing of the cull.

The Wurzels have been pencilled in to headline, though it’s thought any mention of a combine harvester might be in poor taste in the circumstances.