Calverton Woman Not Really Eaten by Velociraptor

A 59 YEAR-OLD Calverton woman has not been eaten by a velociraptor, claims the 59 year-old Calverton woman not eaten by a velociraptor.

Doris Thetford of Crookdole Lane, Calverton, wife of Norris Thetford of Crookdole Lane, Calverton, was presumed unlikely to be dead after her husband claimed to have photographed a dinosaur at William Lee Memorial Park last week which then allegedly devoured his wife.

‘It wasn’t a death lizard, it was a squirrel,’ said Doris at the Admiral Wendy, yesterday.

‘And it didn’t try to eat me. It just stared at me, scowling, like squirrels and people in the queue at Sainsbury’s often do.

‘Norris is just being silly, trying to compete with all those talented photographers on the village Facebook pages.

‘That velociraptor picture came from a website, and that’s cheating.’

In an effort to up his game, Norris has resolved to only photograph actual wildlife in future.

‘He’s imported a real life anaconda from South America. It’s out in the garden,’ said Doris.

‘I’m worried, because Norris went out to feed it last Thursday and I’ve not seen him since.

Or the anaconda.’