CALVERTON MINERS WELFARE FC will face reigning champions Liverpool in Group E of the UEFA Champions League.
The draw for the group stage, which took place in Monte Carlo today, also saw the Nottingham Senior League side pitched against Napoli and Salzburg.
‘Brilliant,’ said Miners Welfare captain Stevie Stokes.
‘Away trips to Liverpool, Napoli and Salzburg. Two of the most beautiful locations in Europe, and also Liverpool. Did they film The Sound of Music in Salzburg? Uncle John loved that movie. Often walked round in shiny lederhosen, yodelling. He’s in prison now.’
‘We do not fear the Miners Welfare,’ said Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp, whose middle name not being ‘Klipp’ has disappointed some horse enthusiasts.
‘We know very little about them, actually. We don’t know where Calverton is, or this place they call the Bottom Club. Is there room to park our team coach there? If not, the local St John’s Ambulance may let us park it next to their hut, maybe.’
It seems that plans to level the whole of neighbouring village Woodborough to build a brand new 80,000 capacity stadium for Miners Welfare FC may not come through in time for Champions League fixtures to be played there.
‘Woodborough village isn’t keen on the idea of completely ceasing to exist,’ said local farmer Kit Kennedy, combine harvester owner and Miners Welfare first team physio.
‘But we’re hoping to invite some senior figures at Gedling Borough Council down to my field to ‘reason with them,’ if you get my drift. Maybe at night-time, when there’s no-one else around.’
‘It’s great for the Miners Welfare,’ added Klopp.
‘For such a small club to do such big things. You couldn’t make this up, not even in the most elegantly written, beautifully crafted and massively underrated online comedy fiction series.’
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