Parish Council Plays Down Escaped Anaconda Speculation

CALVERTON PARISH COUNCIL has been inundated with concerns from residents about a flipping enormous killer snake which may be on the loose in the village.

This comes in the wake of the disappearance of local photography enthusiast Norris Thetford and his recently acquired pet anaconda, Greg.

‘Norris hasn’t come home yet,’ said Doris Thetford, Norris’ wife.

‘The anaconda’s still missing too. And while I’m at it, has anyone seen our three rabbits and my sister Babs? Not a sign.’

‘Calverton residents are advised not to approach the flipping enormous killer snake,’ said the Parish Clerk.

‘Even if you just want a photo of it to share on Calverton Village Matters – please stick to pictures of ragwort and butterflies because there’s no such thing as a flipping enormous killer butterfly.

OMG! THERE IT IS! A SNAKE! A FLIPPING ENORMOUS KILLER SNAKE! AND IT’S EATEN NORRIS! AARRGGHH!

‘The Clerk hasn’t filled me with nerve-shredding terror at all,’ said local man Mick Winkler, in a statement local man Norris Thetford would probably have made if he hadn’t been eaten by a flipping enormous killer snake.

‘I’m confident the Parish Council will do all it can to make our streets safe from this diabolical reptilian menace. I’m not stupid.

‘Are those rabbit remains by those rustling bushes? Let me check.’