THE GIANT ANACONDA on the loose in Calverton has been spotted at Greggs in St Wilfrid’s Square.
‘To be fair, I don’t have a problem with it,’ said local man Mick Winkler.
‘I often see it in the morning when I’m coming out of Sainsbury’s. It’s chilly in Sainsbury’s so the snake doesn’t like it there. But the warmth and humidity in Greggs is more in keeping with its natural South American habitat so that must be why it’s drawn there.’
Calverton Parish Council is not as relaxed about the issue as Mr Winkler, who is an idiot, and has issued an official warning to residents.
‘Mr Winkler is an idiot,’ said the Parish Clerk.
‘Also, we’re extremely concerned about the anaconda and would advise people to stay away from Greggs.
‘We understand the creature likes to go to Greggs for breakfast, but by this we don’t mean sausage rolls, we mean its customers. Our thoughts and prayers go to the loved ones of the two binmen it forcibly consumed this morning.’
Greggs has not confirmed if the anaconda qualified for a discounted cappuccino with the binmen as part of the breakfast deal.
Boots in the square is rumoured to be buying an anaconda of its own because it also has a problem with really long queues.