Woodborough Saved from Football Stadium Oblivion

CALVERTON MINERS WELFARE FC has withdrawn its planning application to Gedling Borough Council to build a football stadium on top of neighbouring village Woodborough.

‘It’s clear the stadium won’t be ready in time for our home fixtures in the UEFA Champions League group stage,’ said Glenn Gilbert, spokesman for the club and terrible project manager.

‘To be fair, the stadium doesn’t exist and we need it in three weeks. The chances of an 80,000-capacity sports arena appearing this quickly on the site of a completely levelled Woodborough, alongside state-of-the-art commercial units and parking space for up to 10,000 vehicles, seem quite remote right now, no matter how big we dream.’

Miners Welfare will now have to host its home fixtures with Napoli, reigning champions Liverpool and Salzburg at the Bottom Club.

‘It’s going to be a tight squeeze,’ admitted Gilbert.

‘But I’m confident that Janice will be able to meet the increased demand for chip cobs. We’re going to need around 40,000 of those for the Napoli match alone. We’ll also run Slidey 13’s at half-time and karaoke with Deano.

‘This is a challenging time for the club, but I’m sure that if we all just think positive thoughts it will come good in the end.’

Janice from the Bottom Club has since told Gilbert ‘exactly where he can stick’ his 40,000 chip cobs.

It is thought she means his arse.

Those Champions League Group E fixtures in full:

  • 17/09/2019 – Salzburg (A)
  • 02/10/2019 – Napoli (H)
  • 23/10/2019 – Liverpool (H)
  • 05/11/2019 – Liverpool (A)
  • 27/11/2019 – Salzburg (H)
  • 10/12/2019 – Napoli (A)

Follow Calverton Miners Welfare FC in the 2019/20 Champions League only on calvoblog! See the full saga here.