Calvo Anaconda Found Hammered at Pub

CALVERTON PARISH COUNCIL has captured the escaped anaconda which has been terrorising the village over the past month.

The enormous snake, which goes by the name of Greg, was found trollied outside the Admiral Wendy on Saturday night after feasting on several drunks.

‘The victims had necked thirty-seven pints between them,’ said a witness.

‘The snake was battered. It was a proper session. I think it was off to the square for a kebab but conked out in the middle of the car park.’

Customers either watched in horror or just carried on playing darts as snake wranglers hoisted the near comatose death serpent into the back of a van and took it to an undisclosed Calverton location for safekeeping.

‘Greg is safely under lock and key,’ confirmed the Parish Clerk.

‘We’re grateful to the Council’s newly-recruited snake wrangling unit for its sterling efforts in ridding our streets of this hideous reptilian menace.’

The Parish Council is now planning to retrain the anaconda for a new role as a security guard at William Lee Memorial Park.

‘We need to reduce instances of vandals in the village,’ said the Clerk.

‘Did I say vandals? I meant vandalism,’ he laughed, nervously.