Mansfield Hosts Miners Welfare FC Euro Clash

JANICE FROM THE BOTTOM CLUB needlessly made several thousand chip cobs this evening as Calverton Miners Welfare FC moved its Group E Champions League home clash with FC Napoli to Mansfield.

‘They told me the match would be in the village,’ said a furious Janice, 67, from Pepper Road, Calverton.

But then it wasn’t. We’d spent two grand on cobs and spuds. Me and Deano have been peeling spuds all pigging day. Then no bogger turns up for the match.’

Glenn Gilbert, spokesman for Miners Welfare FC and terrible project manager, has apologised to Janice.

‘I first realised Janice was angry when she viciously hoofed me in the cobblers,’ he said.

‘Luckily, there’s no lasting damage. But it made sense to switch the match to Mansfield with Field Mill’s more generous 9,000 capacity. We had to turn about 12,000 visiting fans away, of course, but that’s all right because there are loads of other things to do in Mansfield like go to the cinema, or the bowling alley, or one of the several local eateries for a hot and nourishing kebab.’

As thousands of Napoli fans descended on Mansfield at very short notice, town officials issued a formal apology.

‘We’re very sorry about the vast number of people out and about in Mansfield tonight who aren’t able to speak English. They can’t help it. They’re from Mansfield.’

Visiting Italians accepted the apology in good humour despite Napoli wasting numerous chances to allow Miners Welfare to escape with a somewhat miraculous goalless draw.

Glenn Gilbert will be seeing his GP on Monday because he now thinks he’s ruptured something.

‘Good,’ said Janice.

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