CALVERTON MINERS WELFARE FC will replay its Champions League fixture with FC Red Bull Salzburg, UEFA has confirmed.
‘Replay? That’s a joke,’ fumed Miners Welfare skipper Stevie Stokes.
‘We didn’t play the match in the first place because we were locked in a boiler room in Austria by a Belgian man in fancy dress.’
UEFA has upheld a complaint from the Nottingham Senior League side after Belgium’s Racing Club Genk played the match against Salzburg on 17 September instead of Miners Welfare, following an elaborate prank involving a fake moustache.
‘Nige Nichols isn’t laughing,’ said Stokes.
‘A boiler room. A really dark boiler room with hot water pipes. Second degree burns all up the larger of his two buttocks.’
‘Whilst very amusing in many ways,’ said UEFA official Klaus Jurgen Butthoffer, ‘what Genk did was illegal. So Calverton will get another chance to play Salzburg. At a secret location, behind closed doors, to reduce risk of sabotage. The date will be agreed soon.’
Butthoffer added that no unreasonable pressure had been put on him by Miners Welfare FC about the complaint.
‘Our Belgian colleague Wout Janssens was looking into it at first, but he had a different point of view. I can’t check with him now, obviously, because he was killed last week by a combine harvester.’
‘Nothing to do with me,’ said local farmer Kit Kennedy, combine harvester owner and first team physio for Miners Welfare FC.
‘It’s club policy not to murder anyone with a combine harvester. What’s that? No, last time was just an accident.’
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