DEFENDING CHAMPIONS LIVERPOOL have suffered a shock defeat at the hands of plucky Calverton Miners Welfare FC in the UEFA Champions League.
The amateur side from Nottingham defeated Jurgen Klopp’s star-studded squad 1-0 on Wednesday night in a tight clash at Mansfield’s Field Mill stadium.
An 88th minute penalty from midfield dynamo Dave Duggan – after Liverpool’s James Milner gave Miners Welfare skipper Stevie Stokes an illegal wedgie in the box – was the difference between the sides.
‘We’ve pulled off something sensational,’ said Miners Welfare striker Rod Riley, a self-employed male stripper from Cockshut Lane, Langwith.
‘There’ll be those who’ll claim the Liverpool players weren’t at full strength because they’d all eaten that paella in the team coach and gone down with chronic diarrhoea. But that’s just an excuse. It was our determination and class that told in the end.’
‘English people call it ‘squitting,’ I believe,’ said a white-faced, sweating Jurgen Klopp.
‘All of us on Wednesday, such serious trots. I have never known such agony around the clacker. This is a phrase the English use also, yes? Poor Milner was delirious, of course. He has no memory of violently yanking Stokes’ pants in an upwards direction but rightfully a penalty, no question.’
‘We’ve catered on the Liverpool team coach for years,’ said Ted Timmins, owner of Cobs ‘n’ Cakes 2-Go Limited and new Calverton Miners Welfare FC board member.
‘Any suggestion that the Liverpool players were poisoned on the way to the fixture to prevent them from being able to play football is simply outrageous.
‘I’m sure our on-board chef, Gary, made that paella from only the freshest ingredients.
‘Of course we can’t check with him. He was killed by a combine harvester on Friday morning.’
‘Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain had the hotpot, I think,’ said Klopp.
‘He’s been cheeks to the porcelain ever since.’
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