Election Campaign to be Soft, Strong and Very, Very Long

WITH NEWS OF A GENERAL ELECTION being held before Christmas, or just after Christmas, or at some point before Armageddon, disaffected Calverton voters are bracing themselves for many shiny leaflets coming through their letterboxes from politicians who’d really like to be their MP.

‘I’ve lost the plot with politics in this country,’ said local man Mick Winkler, recent recipient of a lovely new blue passport made in Poland by a French-Dutch company.

‘I won’t be voting and nor will any of my seven friends. But I’m looking forward to giving my well-considered, expert opinions on each party’s leaflet on Facebook. But if the leaflets won’t persuade me to vote, it would be great if they could serve some other practical, everyday purpose.’

Mick’s comments are being taken seriously by each of the main political parties.

‘Our leaflets will come in triple-quilted velvet format with a limited aloe vera release for voters in Woodborough,’ said a Tory spokesperson.

‘All our market research tells us we should be softening our core message whilst maintaining durability. Printing our leaflets on feather soft, triple-ply sheets is just the right lavatorial metaphor for a modern, progressive political organisation.’

Brexit Party insiders say their leaflets are expected to feel coarse and rough, like sandpaper.

‘Like the No Deal scenario we crave, our leaflets will give voters the most practically uncomfortable exit possible. Far from being absorbent, this will be an out-and-out smear campaign.’

The Liberal Democrats will run triple-ply quilted and budget basics campaigns in parallel to try to appeal to the broadest possible cross-section of voters including both folders and scrunchers.

Labour’s strong pro-NHS stance means it’s likely to print leaflets on medicated IZAL.

Floating voters are advised to eat something binding, and go to a GP if that doesn’t work.