CALVERTON MINERS WELFARE FC suffered its first major setback in the UEFA Champions League on Tuesday after a humiliating drubbing at the hands of defending champions Liverpool.
‘To be fair, some key players couldn’t make the Anfield trip,’ said Miners Welfare skipper Stevie Stokes.
‘Rod Riley had to dress up as a sexy fireman for a hen do in Trowell, Nige Nichols is in hospital for a skin graft on his buttocks and Dave Duggan got arrested last week at Lowdham Co-Op. It’s all right to have urges, of course it is, but not while you’re wearing a mankini and certainly not near functioning CCTV cameras.
‘Anyway, point is, we weren’t at full strength which is why Liverpool stuffed us 13-0.’
First half hat-tricks from Georginio Wijnaldum and Mohamed Salah, alongside a goal from Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, saw the European champions cruise into a 7-0 lead at half-time.
Wijnaldum and Salah each added a further goal in the second half, with Oxlade-Chamberlain netting two to complete his own hat-trick. Other goals from Fabinho and Divock Origi compounded Miners Welfare’s misery.
‘It was an off night for us, that’s all,’ said new Miners Welfare manager Tommy Toppings.
‘Let’s not forget we turned over Liverpool last time, and I think we’d have done that even without them getting the trots from that dodgy paella on the team coach.
‘It’s still all to play for in Group E, but we’ll be back better and stronger for our match with Salzburg at the end of the month. Dave Duggan won’t be there, obviously, because he’ll be up in court.
‘Seriously. A mankini. Faux leopard skin. Miaow.‘
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